When Two Become One: Reflections on One Year of Marriage

“Two are one; that takes change. Don’t lose your willingness to change to remain who you want to be as one.” 

When my husband and I read this note in our wedding guestbook, we paused. These words felt important–as if they called for our undivided attention. 

Three weeks into marriage, we had only a glimpse of the change required to live out our “oneness.” Our most glaring difference at the time was our lighting preferences. Aaron liked to turn on all lights in the house as soon as he woke up; I prefered a gentler approach… cozy, dim lighting to ease into the day. In the evenings, Aaron liked to get ready for bed with all lights turned off. He was all about mimicking the sunlight…which did make sense…but I cannot begin to communicate how much I struggled to navigate a dark bathroom when I was already a bit sleepy. 

It didn’t take long to find a happy medium. Sure, the house was lighter than I would prefer in the mornings and it was lighter than Aaron would prefer in the evenings. But for the sake of loving one another, lighting habit adjustments were really a small price to pay. 

Now, one year in, we still have only a glimpse into the change required to build a unified marriage that lasts the test of time–though each month married reveals this reality a bit deeper than the last. 

The decision to build a strong marriage is not a once-and-done sort of thing. In fact, I am discovering that the small, everyday decisions have a much greater impact on the health of our marriage than I ever could’ve imagined. 

• When I say or do something that hurts my husband, I can choose to apologize as soon as I recognize I’m in the wrong, or I can pretend like nothing happened. 
• When he asks for my forgiveness, I can choose to be generous and Christ-like in my response, or I can “forgive” with my words but let bitterness grow in my heart. 
• When he cares for me, I can choose to thank him, showing that I notice the ways that he expresses his love for me. Or, I can be critical of the things he does that I don’t understand. 

One choice leads to oneness; the other destroys it. 

When I read the options in the list above, of course, I want to choose humility and forgiveness and gratitude. But on a random Tuesday evening, it’s easier to skirt around hard conversations, to foster bitterness, and to be unnecessarily critical. And oh how quickly these brushed-over decisions have the potential to turn into deep-seated habits. 

For two to become one, it takes change. In a culture that celebrates individuality, I must be willing to change for the sake of this union. 

One of my clearest memories from our wedding was worshipping during the ceremony. We sang two of our favorite hymns: “Because He Lives” and “Great Is Thy Faithfulness.”

There was something amazing about standing at the front of the room and hearing our guests proclaim the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness. The conviction in their worship bouyed me in ways I cannot explain. It had been a hard few months leading up to our wedding (completely unrelated to Aaron’s and my relationship), and it was singing those words that reminded me what our ceremony was all about. 

Yes, our wedding was about our love–it was our opportunity to covenantally commit to one another before God and our loved ones. But it was so much more than that… it was an act of worship. 

At the end of the day, it didn’t matter what our wedding looked like. It didn’t matter that I forgot to get one of those cute wedding welcome signs and that I didn’t have time to paint my nails. What mattered was that our wedding brought honor and glory to God…and that when the wedding was over, our marriage continued to bring honor and glory to God. 

I am so grateful that we turned our hearts to Him in our wedding–in our vows, our singing, and our joy. Now, my prayer is that our marriage will be a continuation of this worship–that how we treat one another will accurately reflect the spiritual reality that marriage is intended to display: The sacrificial love and submission between Christ and the Church. 

I pray that we will always be committed to giving up our own preferences and desires for the sake of the other. It’s less comfortable, sure. At times, it will be painful. But from what I can tell, Christ-like service leads to an unexplainable joy like no other. It may not be “trendy” in this culture of individuality, but it is good. 

“Two are one; that takes change. Don’t lose your willingness to change to remain who you want to be as one.”